Tuesday, April 26, 2011

10 Moviegoing Commandments.

To the people who have not yet mastered the not overly difficult points of moviegoing etiquette, here are a few keys points that will help your cinematic experiences improve tenfold.
Follow these few steps and look forward to enjoying entire movies where people don't shoosh you, where the couple in front of you doesn't feel the need to put their hoods up in the vain hope that it will help to drown out the incessant screeching which is your voice.

Oh yes, most irritating ones, listen closely as I teach you how to be a valid member of the moviegoing public.

1. Thou shalt not try and take up both armrests.

2. Thou shalt munch quietly in the really suspenseful parts.

3. As soon as the candy bar advertisement is gone, thou shalt be silent as the grave. The non vampirey-rising from the dead grave.

4. Furthermore to Commandment 2, Thou shalt not comment in an obnoxious manner at every advertisement and trailer. You should probably also address your need to have your opinion heard on every matter. That level of self involvement is deeply unattractive.

5. Thou shalt not comment on the comic book origins of the characters in the feature film. Saying "he is a Marvel character" after the Marvel bit at the start of the movie flashes up does not increase your level of awesomeness and will not impress your date.

6. Thou shalt not release the gas that has built up in your stomach from an overindulgence in popcorn, giant cups of soft drink and sugary niblets. Its stinky murder in the dark. Bad.

7. Thou shalt not regurgitate the information that you looked up on your phone whilst waiting for your date to arrive like some kind of running commentary. Everyone has access to IMDB, you tool...chances are she does too.

8. In a largely empty cinema with unassigned seating, thou shalt not sit right beside the only other people in there. Its weird and creepy.

9. Thou shalt not ruin the movie, if you've already seen it, by engaging in spoiler alerty behavior, including but not limited to pre-emptive gasps, cringes or giggles.

10. Thou shalt respect the sanctity of the post film teaser. Don't get all impatient and leave before the lights start to un-dim. If they are still off, chances are that the director has saved a little scene for the end of the movie, before the credits really start to roll.

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